Broken

Written by: Athens (25-I1) Designed by: Athens (25-I1)

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As he glanced out the window, he could see the well-lit roads, people preparing for the Christmas season. Christmas trees were set up outside and the streets were lined with decorated houses. However, as he looked back into his room, the dry, grey paint on his walls were peeling off. It was a dark and silent room with just a glimpse of light shining through the glass window through the door. He climbed back into his bed, with creaking sounds, he twitched. He was lethargic and it was so profound that his limbs felt weak and heavy. 

He’d woken up that morning not as Elias, but as Leo, the quiet, scholarly side who found comfort in facts and figures. His mind, stimulated by the rich and engaging information that books had to offer him. Hence, Leo meticulously organised the few books on his shelf. As winter went on, his depression grew worse. It felt like walking through the pluff mud in South Carolina, every thought felt like a monumental waste of his energy, every move he made felt like a monumental effort. 

When it was lunchtime, Leo entered the cafeteria to find it buzzing with holiday energy. All the fluorescent lights were buzzing louder than usual and Elias could not control himself. His face was distorted as he tried pulling his hair out. Just as he felt that it was coming back to consume his soul, Elias tried escaping. However, Jax ran and pushed Elias out of the way. Jax was the impulsive one, the rebellious one. 

Jax grabbed the plate of a slob of mashed potatoes and cold turkey, by cutting the long queue. As he carried his tray over to an almost empty table, he tapped his foot impatiently and looked irritated. 

“This place is a joke. They think Christmas solves everything.” 

I looked at my food like a victim, dissecting the rubbery brussels sprout intricately. This was when I heard that melodic voice cut through all the voices in my head. 

“You do know that brussels sprouts are good for your health and you shouldn’t play with your food?”

Jax looked up, his initial annoyance melted into curiosity. Sitting opposite him, having simply appeared there, was a girl with eyes the color of warm honey. Her name was Clara. Clara introduced herself and said she had synesthesia, a condition where her senses blended. She said she has superpowers as she views the world differently and feels emotions as colors.

"Good to know," Jax retorted, a smile tugging at his lips despite himself. "You sound exactly like my mom right now. Is this the part where you tell me I won’t get any dessert?"

Clara giggled. "December, for me, is all muted greys and cold blues. Not very festive at all. Your voice, however, has a rather lovely shade of emerald green today."

Jax blinked, intrigued. He wasn't used to anyone seeing him, truly seeing him, in such a unique way. For the next few days, it was Clara who stayed by Elias and pulled him out of the feeling of loneliness. When Leo was present, Clara would sit with him in the quiet library, reading aloud from all the books on his reading list.

"Your sadness today looks like deep indigo, Elias," she'd murmur. 

When Jax was restless, Clara came up with the idea to challenge him to a game of chess, which took the gloom away for just a while. Instead of seeing him suffer, she invested all her effort into making him feel a bit better. She simply recognised the different shades of Elias, understanding that each part was a facet of the whole.

One particularly grey afternoon, just a few days before Christmas, Elias was plunged into a deep despair. Elias sat on the floor, his head in his hands. The temperature was at an all time low. The winter depression felt like a heavy wool blanket soaked in ice water.

(Leo) "It’s clear as day, Elias.”

(Elias) “What?”

(Leo) “Your brain is lagging. You’re just a glitch in the system”

(Leo) “Your romance is inefficient.”

(Jax) “Quit lying. We are dangerous, not inefficient” 

(Leo) “Ultimately, we’re a liability. She’s not meant for this. We’re not meant to be”

(Elias) “But she’s the only thing stopping me from breaking. She’s the only pop of colour in this sea of grey.” 

(Jax) “Selfish bastard. Dragging her down and drowning her. This ain’t the way to show gratitude.”

(Jax) “You’re not a person. You’re a ‘we’ and she cannot love all of us at the same time.”

(Leo) “How can she love a ‘we’ when we can’t stay a ‘me’.”

(Jax) “You’re messed up if you do it”

(Leo) “Jax is right.” 

(Elias) “I see where you’re all coming from”

(Jax) “So push her away, push her far away.”

(Jax) “Do it before it’s too late. Do it before every smile is washed away from her face.”

Elias found Clara in the solarium. Clara was staring at the frost on the window. Elias looked at her, debating whether he should do it.

"Clara," Elias gently said.

She turned, her smile faltering as she looked at him. "Elias… oh, what’s the matter?."

"You need to stay away from me, Clara.”

“I can’t be with you anymore.” 

“You need to go back to your wing, never come back and forget about us."

Clara stopped, her eyes widened in a state of shock and asked “Why?"

Elias forced himself to say the words that felt like a taboo. "Because you deserve someone who is whole!" he burst out. 

"I’m no normal person. I have 63 people living inside me. Clara. I’m a mess. I’m broken. And I don’t know how to fix me."

He looked at her hands, took a big pause before speaking, "I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve the way you look at me. If you don’t want to stay, I can understand. If you do stay, I’ll eventually hurt you because I can barely control myself. How am I supposed to take care of you. So, please. Leave."

Clara looked into my ocean blue eyes. She didn't move away. Instead, she took two deliberate steps into his space.

"You think you're not normal? Truth is, nobody is truly normal. But to me, normal means boring. I don’t like being bored." she said softly. She saw the flicker in his eyes. "You say you’re broken glass, Elias. Do you know what happens when light hits broken glass?" She reached out to him. 

"It creates a spectrum," she whispered. 

"But you could be with someone who’s nor-" he blurted

"Normal is a grey line," Clara countered, 

She tiptoed, pressing her forehead against his. In that moment, the internal desperate escape of his alters went silent. 

"It’s Christmas Eve," she murmured. "And the best gift is your unpredictable spirit and I love it. So, I’m not going anywhere."

Elias' eyes flickered again.

On Christmas Eve, the institute held a small celebration. Elias found himself enjoying. He stopped seeing his alters as a way to cope. Under a string of fairy lights, Elias looked at Clara. He saw her again.

"Clara," he began, his voice surprisingly steady, "You make even the darkest days feel bright. You are my Christmas."

She smiled.