Middleground - Grief

Written by: Joshua Ong (23-U4)

Designed by: Teong Chee Kai (23-O4)

My friend of the opposite gender is grieving over a breakup, how am I supposed to help? 

Grief is the natural response to loss, particularly the loss of someone or a living thing with whom a bond or affection was formed. It encompasses various dimensions, including emotional, physical, cognitive, behavioural, social, cultural, spiritual, and philosophical aspects. A widely recognized model for understanding grief is the five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages represent our attempts to process change, protect ourselves, and adapt to a new reality. In cases of persistent or traumatic grief, individuals may cycle through these stages, sometimes rapidly, as they navigate the complexities of their emotions and experiences.

Grieving as a teenager is not a comfortable or desired experience, but it is an inevitable part of growing up. Both boys and girls will inevitably encounter grief, but they may handle it differently due to various factors, including societal expectations and individual coping mechanisms.

In this article, Middleground aims to simplify the fundamentals of how boys and girls process grief while providing tips on how to offer support and gain a deeper understanding of their unique perspectives.

Let's begin by acknowledging that grief is a universal human experience and should not be overlooked or dismissed, especially in teenagers who may face additional challenges in processing their emotions. The goal of this article is to promote empathy and insight into the ways boys and girls cope with grief, ultimately fostering more effective and compassionate support from friends, family, and peers.

How Boys and Girls Cope with Grief:

Denial is a big part of grief and in our model, the first stage of grief as well. Denial is the act of asserting that a true statement is not true. In the context of a breakup, it is an action to negate the fact that the breakup has occurred or ignore and not accept the emotions one is facing.

For boys, denial was evident during interviews with many saying it was hard for them to connect with their emotions and many chose to engage in avoidant behaviour to distract themselves and ignore their emotions.

In contrast, girls were more likely to have a vocabulary for grief and a need to communicate with others about their emotional experiences. Be it through social media or with friends, it was evident from interviews that they preferred to be more upfront and vocal with their emotions and thoughts. 

While some girls still said there was a denial aspect at first, it pertained to the fact that they refused to believe that there was a breakup. Whereas, for boys, many focused their denial on emotions, refusing to address and acknowledge the negative emotions brought about by the breakup.

According to the American Psychological Association, anger is an emotion characterised by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong. Anger and blame, while found as the second stage of grief, seemed to be a more complex emotion to tackle during grief, faced throughout the entire process of grieving. 

Amongst both guys and girls, many were first angry at the opposing party before being angry and blaming themselves. However, the boys seemed to channel their anger into thoughts of revenge and trying to make the opposing party feel upset as well, with one even saying that ¨two can play at this (ghosting) game¨ if the breakup was without reason and abrupt. On the other hand, girls were more likely to have their anger and frustration redirected to themselves as self-blame and later surprisingly developed positive emotions of respect, peace-seeking, and even wishes for reunification for the other party. Some papers link these behaviours with the popular stereotypical belief that boys are more aggressive than girls and associate outward anger with masculinity.

The bargaining stage of grief is a stage in which you may try to negotiate with yourself or with a higher power to try to undo the loss, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). At this stage, due to biological hardwiring, there is a drastic difference between how boys and girls approach negotiating with themselves through loss. 

Boys chose to emphasise the use of logical reasoning to cope with the grief, trying to think and understand what went wrong. Some even wanted to ask for reasonings from opposing parties in the hope of getting back together.

Girls, while also grappling with the guilt of getting back together, seemed to be able to rationalise their emotions and move on with their lives without the other party. Some said they would not pursue the relationship any further and were even able to completely ignore the other party after the breakup as if they never met in the first place. 

Moreover, boys also indicated the desire to learn (and change) over time from the breakup, a drastic difference from girls who seem to be able to move on quickly from the sadness of the relationship coming to an end.

This shows the great cognitive aspect involved in the grieving process of boys. This is aligned with many studies that show that boys usually take much longer to come out of a breakup than girls due to the deep psychological and emotional hit the breakup brings them, exacerbated by the fact that many choose not to come to terms with their emotions.

How to help:

Help can be offered in many ways. Some grievers may prefer not to receive any help at all and have space to gather their thoughts and emotions while others may actively seek help from those around them. An important detail for friends and family of the grievers to realise is that active help may bring more harm than good. Not everyone needs a solution to their problem. 

Ask what you can do to help instead of forcing aid on them. While some people want solutions, others may just need a listening ear, a partner to be by their side, or simply just a hug. 

On the other hand, look out for extreme signs of depression or even suicidal tendencies and do not hesitate to refer to a trusted adult to find help.

Key takeaways:

Grief impacts both boys and girls to some degree, with different people having many different coping mechanisms. Generally, however, boys find internal measures to cope with emotional pain and take longer to overcome grief, with studies even showing that many never recover after such emotional trauma. On the other hand, girls are found to be more vocal about their emotions and are more likely to seek help during periods of emotional distress. This also allows them to overcome sadness much more quickly than men. 

However, with this in mind, it is important to remember that grief does not only boil down to a person's emotional response but also encompasses other behavioural, psychological, and social responses. Therefore, we should all bear in mind that we do not know the full context of their grief and should be aware of their boundaries during their period of grief when we are trying to help. 

It is also good to note that we should not compare the grief of one person to that of others and worry whether one is grieving too much or too little. In truth, there should be no hierarchy to grief. Grief is a protectionary measure invoked by the body to cope and facilitate healing and is a natural response to emotional pain. All feelings are valid and should not be downplayed.